this month i'm participating in a post everyday challenge (lovingly) invited by the Anchored in Love blog! i'm not even sure how this happened, i just started blogging again but it should be interesting. so the first post is supposed to be about my story or testimony. honestly, i hate writing testimonies because i don't have this big dramatic and overwhelming underdog story. but, the story i do have is a story of surrender. so super long story short (no need to bore you with my entire life story):
as a young girl i have always liked being the center of attention and enjoyed being an only child for almost ten years. i loved singing, acting, dancing, drawing and was pretty much labeled a cute and creative little stinker. still pretty much describes me to this day...at least my husband would agree.
at a young age i was touched by the Lord and was saved around the age of five or six with my grandma. i went to a private christian school in huntington beach where i also got alot of spiritual education. i'm so thankful that i was around people who loved the Lord because i would probably be a different person right now. i grew up like any typical church kid...nothing crazy or anything but one thing i did struggle with was my weight. it was always an issue and i've blogged about it several times. (you can read more here). despite being a chubby kid i had a cute face+a personality so i always had a ton of friends. i was pretty happy but once i got into high school i started taking control of my "issue". i lost alot of weight by basically not eating in high school and started losing track of my relationship with Jesus. like every christian does sometimes we stray and high school was that time for me. all i cared about was staying popular, boys, getting thinner and being more edgy. these were the days when myspace was cool and selfies were just being born.
i didn't rebel like full on or anything but it was a time of darkness for me, i had no idea who i was in Christ and my insecurity and feeling unworthy about my body just started to take power.
there were some days in high school i would literally punch and pull the flesh on my body out of hatred and disgust. cancel plans with friends and sit in my room and cry because i couldn't find anything i liked to wear. i let my looks control my life and it wasn't until i graduated high school that i started to discover Jesus for myself and get back on track with him. i re-dedicated my life to God and said "no more boys. no more diets. no more caring what people think." and life was pretty good! a couple years after i got serious about my relationship with Jesus i met my now husband stephen. (read more here) go figure! you know everybody tells you that it will come when you're not looking for it to come...and it did! anyway, thats another long story but for the most part i've dealt with insecurity about my weight and have learned to see myself as God sees me. stephen and i dealt with alot of my insecurities in the beginning but we've both come along way. i can't believe it's already been four years. i love this guy for being patent with me all this time.
it's amazing how much insecurity took over my life and my mind in those days. almost like a chronic disease, i sometimes couldn't function and it would affect every aspect of my life. Jesus helped me change my lenses and it took alot of practice, patience and surrendering to learn how to deal with it. i still get little insecurity attacks from time to time like every woman but they're not unhealthy like they were before. being married has also helped in the way that well, i'm married! and i have an amazing husband who loves me the way i am. i love seeing how God has molded me into a new woman and spending time with him everyday is the real key to how i feel about myself to this day. to know that i have a God who created the universe who adores me and thinks i'm the most beautiful thing...and having a husband who feels the same way.....how can i go wrong? i'm so happy that i grew out of the weird time in my life and i have only jesus to thank for helping me see my true worth and value. i am fearfully and wonderfully made and everyday my Lord shows me that. without him i'm nothing and i'm so blessed to be able to look back and see how he has changed my life. if i could tell my high school self i would be insecure free and happily married i would never believe it. but hey, that's part of growing up.