May 18, 2011

Suicide by Train

Before any of you think that this note is a product of me listening to too much Gothic New Wave growing up your wrong. haha. I just had something on my heart and I wanted to share.

I can't stop thinking about the suicide near my house a couple days ago. I was a few blocks away when it happened. I came driving home from work to a cop steering people in the opposite direction. I usually don't pray like this but something opted me to pray for whoever and whatever happened over there....which I was soon about to see. I cross the street and look over slowly to see several cop cars, an ambulance and lines of yellow tape. No cars on or near the train tracks which means it was another suicide. And that's when my heart sank. To know that just 20 feet away was a dead body, a traumatized engineer and dozens of frightened and also traumatized passengers. And worse in eternal darkness. I don't know how cops remain so stone faced in such a tragic event. Cops seriously have the hardest job in the world. They have to see so much horrific things that we only think is cool because we see "it" on t.v. and in movies. I'm really thankful for what my Dad does but it makes me sad that these things happen and that cops are forced to be emotionless. I wish more people knew Jesus and understood that He already suffered for us. That He went through it so we wouldn't have to. Anyways, I would make a terrible cop.

I think being so near to the suicide event and reading a book recently on a near death experience of a woman who tried to commit suicide and experienced hell really has got me thinking. I think the two combined started knocking on my heart and made me more mission minded. In this book she described the feelings and crashing sounds of death and describes hell and the absence of identity, time and space. Eternal darkness, torment and isolation. She later describes in the book of Jesus and God coming together to deliver her from hell and give her a second chance at life. It makes me sad that the person who died a couple days ago was only 18. In the book she described how she saw many people near her who looked in their teen years. So sad that that teen is now in eternal darkness and more miserable than how he was on earth. My heart is so heavy right now for this issue. I've never had suicidal thoughts in my whole life so I'm not sure why my heart is so heavy but I feel a deeper urgency to spread the gospel now. It has sparked a large curiosity of hell and heaven and what really does happen when we die and how it happens. I know most of these questions will only be answered once I'm with Jesus but I can't help bring out the child like curiosity of how God works and how large He is.

I also started thinking about the poor engineer. We usually hear this on the news and think, "oh, what a dumb kid for jumping in front of a train. " But we don't realize that the man or woman driving the train gets a graphic and front row seat in someone taking their life. I can't even begin to understand how miserable the engineer must feel to see someone standing there and knowing they can't do anything about it. If you have time read this short article for a deep understanding of what the train operators go through when suicides occur: here.

It really breaks my heart and I pray for the engineer that God will make his heart and thoughts pure and understand that it's not his fault. I will be looking into suicide ministries and see how I can get involved....but in the meantime....I'm thankful for my life and wanting to spread God's love. I have a new found appreciation for what I have. Even though I'm over weight I praise God. Even though my fiance is suffering from Crohns: I praise God. Even though my plans of being independent and being married haven't come through: I'm praising God. Life is so short and I'm now inspired to be more bold and share the gospel with people I wouldn't normally dare to. I can't imagine the possibility of a different outcome if someone had reached out to this kid or if anyone embraced or talked to him that day. Only God knows but I hope more people understand that hell is real, that heaven is real. It's scary to think about but I need to tell you....make the choice for Jesus. You won't regret it.

Matthew 5:4

Jesus said to her, " I am the one who brings people back to life, and I am life itself. Those who believe in me will live even when they die."



  1. I hope you're ok. Suicide is a tragic, selfish thing.
    My friend hung herself in her closet a few years ago, and her housemate and I found her. It's not something you ever forget, even though it's ok for her, she's not here anymore that has to clean up the mess.
    The worst part was her boyfriend was my bestfriend, and I had to wake him and tell him she was gone. There were cops and ambulances all over the apartment block, and we weren't allowed to leave or go anywhere for hours and hours. I had to call an ambulance for my housemate, and he had to be sedated so eventually he and I were taken into the hospital too, where I waited for my parents to come the 2 hour drive to pick us up and take us back up the coast to their place.
    I've never really talked about this to anyone, and now I've blurted it all over your blog :S

    I hope you're alright. Even when you don't know the person suicide is tragic.

    Much love, xxxx

  2. Hello Danica:( I feel sad, really. I think I also feel sorry for a cop, these are indeed the profession which needs 'higher calling'.

    I have never really known anybody committing suicide, I think the upbringing of my surrounding is quite good enough that we are taught suicide is not a solution and there is always a solution for every problem.

    Danica, recently one of my best friend will be on missionary mission to Asia and I feel so happy for her and I think you might be happy to know this as well since I believe you are a very good Christians:)

    Sorry for not visiting your blog for a very very long time! And sorry for not even dropping you comment from facebook!

  3. Lucy@ I agree. It is the most selfish thing a person could ever do. But I feel like its our responsibility as Christians to try and minister to all people and try and prevent situations like that. Also, smiling to everyone, being sweet, helpful and considerate to EVERYONE. You have no idea what someones life is like and the smallest thing could maybe change their mind. :)

  4. Simply killing some in between class time on Digg and I discovered your article . Not normally what I want to read about, but it was completely price my time. Thanks.

  5. I had a high school friend that also hung herself. So terrible. The whole thing. I always wonder what was going on in her head/life that made her feel so desparate, and feel she deserved that type of punishment.

    Good luck with your endeavor to get into this sort of ministry. That is wonderful.