May 29, 2011

Most Moody

Why is it that when Aunt Flow comes around I have to give every once in my body to not have a negative body issue meltdown?! If you don't mind I would like to give myself the Most Moody Award. I hate that when Aunt Flow comes everything on my body immediately becomes disgusting, bloated and enlarged. ( Or so I think, I'm not too sure. ) Nothing fits right, I loose my style and go for comfort. I don't feel like doing my hair or make up because I have cramps and then I see my face and hair and feel even worse about myself! I lash out at my fiance and insist he'd love me more if I lose 30lbs. Why this vicious cycle girlfriends?! Seriously. Sometimes I wave my hands at the heavens and ask why on earth God designed women to be so crazy!

All joking aside...I do struggle with chronic insecurity and I've dealt with a lot. Stephen can tell you I've changed dramatically and are continually growing more confident in the Lord and drawing strength in this area. I have to constantly pray for strength to not get sucked into images of the world, pray that God will bless me and help me see this body is beautiful. I seriously love being a woman and I joke a lot about being moody and emotional but I think it's because I'm making fun of myself. I'm amazed at how God designed our bodies and how everything works, the fact that we even get menstrual cycles is a miracle from God that no one likes to talk about ( obviously ) but is really quite miraculous if you think about it.

Dear God, I can't believe I'm talking about menstruation cycles on our blog right now. Stephen will be so embarrassed. haha.

P.S Going to Santa Monica Pier tomorrow to spend the day with Stephen. I'm really thankful for this weekend so I can spend some extra time with him. We both have never really been in the Santa Monica area before so it will definitely be an adventure. :) Hopefully we manage to take some decent pictures. Have a great weekend and remember the men and women who have died for our country! I'm going to say a small little prayer tonight.

P.P.S Is there anything that you do or think that drives you nuts when Aunt Flow comes? I'd really like to know. Maybe it will make me feel like I'm not the only crazy woman out there.


May 25, 2011

nothing, really

I started school on Tuesday. Praise Jesus it is only two days a week. I would literally die of pain and suffering. Regardless if it's material I'm interested will always be school and I will always be a bad studier and a horrible test taker. ( Side Story ) ( and, all of my followers are female so this really doesn't matter I guess ) One time in High School....I was so nervous during a final exam that I had a panic attack! My body was so shaken by nerves, literally, my body reacted and I got my period! No joke. True story. I hate tests! Well, we haven't even received our first homework assignment but this proves how much I over think the future. Shame on me.

Anyways, there hasn't really been any updates on Stephen's surgery but we are praying and preparing spiritually and mentally for the event. My work is being more than generous and giving me two days off for the day of and the day after to take care of him. I'm still a little bit uncertain by this whole thing and what means for us but I'm amazed at his amount of faith and calmness within the Lord. Stephen is my rock and I'm always so thankful I have a man who is physically weak but spiritually strong. I'm so blessed to have someone who is stead fast in the Lord and more often than me. I am so unworthy.

On a different note. I'm sad to say that the only time I'm being fed by the word is in my car listening to K Wave on the way there and Pastors Perspective on the way back in the afternoon. I hate that I do this. I hate that I loose the word daily when I get busy and distracted ( with important things nonetheless, but you know what I mean ). I wish I had more discipline. I don't feel like I'm the godly woman God wants me to be. I want to inspire someone, I want to bring joy to someone, I want to feel beautiful, I want to share the word and I feel completely dry. I love my life and I know how short it is....I long to make a change in my world and I want to learn how to do that better. By the way: Selena Gomez's song " Who Said" pumps me up and makes me teary eyed. I love it so much and I'm inspired by her and what she stands for. I want to be Selena Gomez!

Things have ben going great, really. I'm so thankful for what I have...even in the small valleys I sometimes I go through. God is good and that's that my friends. God is good, let Him bless you.
( And let this little video encourage you! ) Because you are beautiful and so am I and I'm going to read my Bible more! Good night!

May 18, 2011

Suicide by Train

Before any of you think that this note is a product of me listening to too much Gothic New Wave growing up your wrong. haha. I just had something on my heart and I wanted to share.

I can't stop thinking about the suicide near my house a couple days ago. I was a few blocks away when it happened. I came driving home from work to a cop steering people in the opposite direction. I usually don't pray like this but something opted me to pray for whoever and whatever happened over there....which I was soon about to see. I cross the street and look over slowly to see several cop cars, an ambulance and lines of yellow tape. No cars on or near the train tracks which means it was another suicide. And that's when my heart sank. To know that just 20 feet away was a dead body, a traumatized engineer and dozens of frightened and also traumatized passengers. And worse in eternal darkness. I don't know how cops remain so stone faced in such a tragic event. Cops seriously have the hardest job in the world. They have to see so much horrific things that we only think is cool because we see "it" on t.v. and in movies. I'm really thankful for what my Dad does but it makes me sad that these things happen and that cops are forced to be emotionless. I wish more people knew Jesus and understood that He already suffered for us. That He went through it so we wouldn't have to. Anyways, I would make a terrible cop.

I think being so near to the suicide event and reading a book recently on a near death experience of a woman who tried to commit suicide and experienced hell really has got me thinking. I think the two combined started knocking on my heart and made me more mission minded. In this book she described the feelings and crashing sounds of death and describes hell and the absence of identity, time and space. Eternal darkness, torment and isolation. She later describes in the book of Jesus and God coming together to deliver her from hell and give her a second chance at life. It makes me sad that the person who died a couple days ago was only 18. In the book she described how she saw many people near her who looked in their teen years. So sad that that teen is now in eternal darkness and more miserable than how he was on earth. My heart is so heavy right now for this issue. I've never had suicidal thoughts in my whole life so I'm not sure why my heart is so heavy but I feel a deeper urgency to spread the gospel now. It has sparked a large curiosity of hell and heaven and what really does happen when we die and how it happens. I know most of these questions will only be answered once I'm with Jesus but I can't help bring out the child like curiosity of how God works and how large He is.

I also started thinking about the poor engineer. We usually hear this on the news and think, "oh, what a dumb kid for jumping in front of a train. " But we don't realize that the man or woman driving the train gets a graphic and front row seat in someone taking their life. I can't even begin to understand how miserable the engineer must feel to see someone standing there and knowing they can't do anything about it. If you have time read this short article for a deep understanding of what the train operators go through when suicides occur: here.

It really breaks my heart and I pray for the engineer that God will make his heart and thoughts pure and understand that it's not his fault. I will be looking into suicide ministries and see how I can get involved....but in the meantime....I'm thankful for my life and wanting to spread God's love. I have a new found appreciation for what I have. Even though I'm over weight I praise God. Even though my fiance is suffering from Crohns: I praise God. Even though my plans of being independent and being married haven't come through: I'm praising God. Life is so short and I'm now inspired to be more bold and share the gospel with people I wouldn't normally dare to. I can't imagine the possibility of a different outcome if someone had reached out to this kid or if anyone embraced or talked to him that day. Only God knows but I hope more people understand that hell is real, that heaven is real. It's scary to think about but I need to tell you....make the choice for Jesus. You won't regret it.

Matthew 5:4

Jesus said to her, " I am the one who brings people back to life, and I am life itself. Those who believe in me will live even when they die."


May 14, 2011

A God of Hope

I haven't blogged since Mother's Day and I feel awful because even thought I don't write for people necessarily I feel a little bit empty when I don't post anything for a long time. But, I've been really busy but there is something I want to say: We don't know why God does certain things. We may have a small inkling or a complete revelation afterwards but we really see our lives ( in comparison to God ) like viewing a huge elaborate parade from a peephole.

Stephen has yet to find a better job and it kills me to see him mourn silently. To see him stand so I can. To see him so upset at himself for not being able to provide yet so we can get married. He has gone one year without a single interview. But-there is a larger issue at hand. I don't know if I've blogged about his disease but Stephen has Crohn's Disease. It has been affecting him greatly in the last several months with having to inject himself every month, unbearable pains and a significant amount of weight loss. We found out a couple days ago that Stephen needs to have surgery in his small intestine as soon as possible. I don't remember if it was ulcers or what but something really bad and the doctor is getting hold of the surgeon and he will let us know when Stephen is going to be operated on.

So, not getting married anytime soon with not a good job and now this. My poor Stephen. He is so scared and I am too. He has never had surgery before and I'm praying this will help him in his condition. I would love to see him gain a healthy weight, to not have as many abdominal pains, to not worry so much, to have hope in the future and a hope in our future. It is a really hard and scary time right now but we both have hope in our God. We are scared and clinging to our Savoir and asking for guidance. We don't know what good will come out of this but we will know someday.

Psalm 33:22
Let Your lovingkindness, O LORD, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.