Today has been very slow and somber unfortunately. I love the cold but when you wake up with a cold empty feeling it's not the loveliest thing you can wake up to. I'm still playing over and over again the accident in my head and every time I push the reels back my ears get hot and my stomach drops. I won't be able to make this up to my parents and I really don't think life will get any easier for them until I move out ( which will be for another 5 years I'm sure ). I clean the house before my mom gets home in hopes of making everyone's lives easier. ( I think everyone is in a better mood when the house isn't dirty ) But no one notices ( not that I really care ) and the house is dirty again in about a day and a half. But I really don't mind because without a job and nothing really of value...cleaning the house gives me something to do and gives me some sense of purpose in this house I guess.
I wrote Stephen an email this morning because my phone is off and he never got back to me, which makes me a little sad because he was online and didn't attempt to contact me at all. It was a nice email too. He usually calls me when he wakes up but apparently today he didn't. I don't mean to be poor me. I don't mean to do that all but I'm constantly listening to It Is Well With My Soul and trying desperately to not let Satan bring me down with sadness. This month just seems very gloomy so far and I just pray it gets better soon because I do think Stephen will propose this month. But if things keep going they way they are going...I doubt he will. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or where it's going. I feel like right now is not a good time to say or do anything. But then again, every time something goes wrong I tell Stephen to wait. I can't do that again to him. I just can't.