I would love to share with you about the things that changed me last weekend at Verdugo Pines and a little bit about my personal weaknesses. For the past couple months I have seen my insecurity sky rocket and I have seen myself let Satan control my imagination and my self talk where Jesus certainly wasn't. I thought being insecure was normal but when I saw it escalate to the point where I wasn't trusting Stephen for no apparent reason, giving myself excuses as to why he doesn't love me the way I am I knew I had to do something about it. I even pushed and pushed and pushed and had no clue why I was doing it or how to stop. And I knew these things weren't from God. God makes me feel good and the things I was feeling...did not make me feel good. I spent a lot of time in prayer and both of us terminated anything in our midst that might shake me: Old emails, phone numbers of old crushes, facebook pictures, not watching certain movies. This has definitely helped my insecurity and my relationship with Stephen and we haven't had an argument regarding any of these things for awhile. It was scary to me how bad I let my insecurity get. I was in need of desperate healing! God spoke to me at Verdugo Pines, "child, do you want to be made whole?" And I replied with, "Yes, Father." Although my insecurities were improving before the retreat I had not spoken to anyone about them and God gave me a perfect opportunity. My now mentor Debra Muniz was leading a talk/workshop called "In a room with Grace". She talked about grace and shared with us her testimony and had us write down the things that snag our hearts on rocks. We could also write on these rocks things or people that we wanted to give to the Lord.
The alter was dressed in white with candles and blank rocks and pebbles ready to be used for an outward display of a healing God. There was a lot of crying between the many women, the emotional worship music and just the atmosphere of being in God's creation. ( I've learned that crying seems to be the theme at most women's retreats. Wonder why, haha ) Debra came to pray with each of us individually and the room was filled with His spirit. I gave up Stephen, insecurity, jealousy, vanity all to the alter. Putting down my rocks was hard but I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew after this outward display I could no longer "pick up" these rocks and let them destroy my life. As I set my rocks down I looked up and noticed a tree flowing in the wind out of the chapel window. A wave of emotion came over me and I began to weep yet again. The God who made the earth, who has healed and led people through centuries....has healed and led me as well. How foolish I am for partnering with Satan and believing lies of my worth and Stephen's character. One last look at my rocks on the alter and I left. I walk away with other women still crying and praying behind me and I decided to go into the woods to have some quiet time. Which then turned into a photo shoot of praise ( which you'll see in the next post that I had promised. ) We also received a rock which says "Embrace Grace" on one side and "My Beloved" on the other. I keep it in my purse and I plan on leaving it there.
I feel like a new woman and I'm amazed at God's grace in my life as He continues to heal my chronic insecurity and my relationship with Stephen. I'm amazed at His beauty and how He is still molding me into the woman He wants me to be. I am so thankful. To feel the weight being taken off your shoulders by something so much bigger than you is a feeling and an experience that I can't find the right words for. I have learned that If I really want to seek healing I have to pour myself in His word daily, have fellowship with sisters as much as I can and pray daily. I am no longer going to hold Stephen or myself prisoner to my insecurity. I made a promise to myself that I would take care of this before I get engaged and I know I'm ready now. It would be scary to think of me being a fiance with chronic insecurity and lies flailing like arms of child having a fit. This retreat came at the perfect time and I am now living proof of how Jesus heals what seems like the impossible. Chronic insecurity was a bitter and detestable wave that was raging inside of me. It had such power over my mind and soul. I wasn't sure if Stephen would put up with my insane outbursts and imaginations much longer. I didn't know if I would get through it or if I could seek healing. But I have. Praise Jesus. His grace is sufficient to me. His power is made perfect in my weakness and boy, am I weak and proud of it.