September 25, 2010

Love Fights Fair

Married couples who learn to work and resolve conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate and enjoy a deeper connection afterward. I've learned that if you joke around or poke fun a little while in eases the tension and you end up laughing about it later and the conflict gets resolved much faster. Although Stephen and I aren't married yet we've dealt with some major conflicts or "tiffs" is what we like to call them. These past two months have been quite hard for us but I'm glad we know how to fight now rather than later. I've also read somewhere that couples who have worked through/experienced conflict before marriage had more successful marriages in the long run ( opposed to couples who never argued before marriage but once in marriage fought like a pair of gerbils. ) I have no idea where I got that analogy. haha

Anyways, Stephen and I do a couples devotional about marriage and last weeks devotion hit home for us...considering all the tiffs we'd been having. Every couple should have a set of boundaries not to cross when arguing. This way...when you approach a hot topic you won't go over bounds when the conflict really heats up. Stephen and I have done and said some really hurtful and stupid things in the heat of an argument. Remember his letter to me in To Danica From Stephen? That letter was the outcome of a conflict that went way to the point where I said I can't be with you anymore. It lasted for a few hours but still!!! It was the biggest scare of my life. I can't believe I was about to throw my whole life away because emotions were high and I couldn't process correctly what was happening and we both flew off the handle. I'm just glad we are okay now but back on topic.....I was trying to say... have boundaries! Have a set of rules for yourself when you and your man fight. Here are some we came up with:

1. We will not bring up old, unrelated things from the past.

2. We will never fight in public or in front of other people. ( Or in front of our kids if and when we have them. )

We will never mention canceling engagement or divorce.

4. We will always focus on Christ. He is the reason we came together in the first place.

We will never touch one another out of anger.

6. Never go to bed angry.

7. No name calling.

Here are some good examples of keeping these boundaries:

James 1:19 "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger."

Matthew 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"

Proverbs 15:1 " A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

What's also helping us have less and more affective tiffs is we are keeping our spiritual lives in tact again. He is actually having quiet time without me pushing him to and I have overcome some major battles with insecurity. We are both growing and I think we are most definitely ready to get engaged soon. Let's keep our fingers crossed ladies!


  1. yay for DANICA!! what a great update on what is going on and encouragement for us single women. I agree 100% with these boundaries and having ESTABLISHED boundaries to begin with. THe sad thing is we often bring our own personal boundaries into a relationship but we don't communicate them with one another. So we learn the hard way and we don't understand because the lack of communication makes it hard to know what the problem is. God bless and nourish your relationship and may the LORD always be number one in both of your hearts and minds. Glad to hear about the quiet time too!! If men only knew how ATTRACTIVE they are when they are on FIRE and MOTIVATED to serve the LORD. None are perfect but boy would they all be going crazy to please us women with their works! lol A servants heart for me please GOd! That's all I could ever ask for in a husband.

    Check out lifes blessons blog if you haven't about her husband and his birthday and the 23 reasons she loves him!! I almost cried :)

  2. Danica!!

    First of all, I would like to declare that you are a saint. Truly, you are such a beautiful friend, and I am so grateful to have met you this past year! You did a wonderful job guest posting for me; thank you so much, dear!!

    Secondly, I am completely at awe with you and Stephen. You work so hard to keep a healthy and joyful relationship; it truly is inspiring, and I will be sure to refer to your kind words of wisdom when I am next in a relationship. I will probably look to these words even just for my friends. :)

    Oh, and I wanted to say that I have a new address since I moved to college in Davis! So I'll probably email it to you later today if you haven't mailed your letter yet. :)

    Hope you are doing very well and that your days are sunny and beautiful in southern California!

    Sending you lots of love,

  3. Oh, this is the first time I've read your blog and I love it. This is incredible to me!!! Beautiful. SO SO beautiful!