February 27, 2010

deep in thought


Lately I have been staring at the trees outside my window and just letting my mind take me away. I have to fight a bloody and breathless fight to get her back to earth and back to where I really am. Sometimes I cry a lot for people that I know don't exist yet and for the things that I know I will have someday but I won't be satisfied with. I get gut feelings, I get moody, I get bursts of joy and I get crafty. I think about all the people that have seen my face; all the people that have come in and out of my life like trains zooming by.

I can't help but wonder if they think my soul or my face is beautiful first. I wonder if I've really touched someone or left someone wondering about me in turn. I want a perfect body and I don't think I"ll meet my soul mate until I transform; I know thats a very sad thought but I know its true. I can't count how many times men could easily spend the rest of their lives with me but cower in response to my body. I cry for the things I know I will never have and I find myself clinging to dreams, hopes and wishes. Like I always have. Nothing is real to me unless I take a photograph or jot it down. I savor ever smell, emotion and breath of life I get.

I savor everything and I make reels of film in my heart that I watch all the time. My lonelyess comes in waves...sometimes violent and sometimes quiet. God has given me a tremendous romantic and sensitive heart. Where to use it? How? He has given me such strong desires to get married but no motivation to transform. I have my career set at 20 years old, I've found a home and yet I feel restless, why? Why do I feel like I need to be doing something different? Time is so rough on me. She doesn't stop for those tears that she causes.

12 comments:

  1. I'm praying for you; that you find a direction of where God is wanting you to you go and what He's wanting you to do.

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  2. Oh my God Danica you are doing so great I think!

    And indeed, what you have written I feel the same, too.

    The problem is I think people are underestimating me. But when I am trying to stand for myself, I start to feel bad because I don't like being snobbish! Beautiful soul or body, which is it?

    Danica dear, don't you feel difficult! Look around, perhaps you would find some inspiration. And if you feel taking photograph and writing makes you feel better then just do it, won't you? I love to read your words..

    Have a nice day!!

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  3. abbi-thank you so much! that would be greatly appreciated. :)

    zi- thank you! very much.

    maggie- ( i've decided thats my name for you. hehe ) well thank you for your encouragement darling. sometimes i feel underestimated as well. and thank you so much! i have been taking pictures! haha the first photograph and the last one are mine. not sure where the middle one is from. some farm in paris or something. haha
    i love you so much maggie you don't even know! <3

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  4. Dearest, this post makes me feel very sad. I am also a sensitive soul, and I am often restless and lonely. I must tell you that your body is not the issue, it is your mind. If you change your body to how you wish it was, I guarantee it will not make you as happy as you think it will. I know this is so easy to say and so hard to do, but please please love yourself as you are. Forget about boys for a while, learn to accept yourself as a single and independent woman, and learn to be proud of yourself. It can be done with practice. After that, you will see life in a new way, and you will be so confident with yourself, you will no longer care what anyone else thinks. Trust me, I am speaking with experience. It is a difficult but rewarding process. When you become content with what you already have, the universe will deliver even more delights to you. I promise. Lots of love. x

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  5. I associated with much of what you wrote in this post. I only wish I'd been aware of things like this when I was your age, and that I'd talked with God about it more. I am still unsure at age 40, but I am pursuing as many interests as I can {most creative} and just seeing where it takes me. I know His plan is already laid out, so I will just TRUST and attempt to follow the paths I find to explore.

    Just discovered your blog this AM and wanted to let you know I heard you musings.

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  6. forrestina- wow. thank you so much for falling upon my blog. i'm so glad that you read this. we are all so alike. we all have felt the same things at one point or another. i feel so blessed that someone else has felt and thought what i am feeling right now.

    you girls are seriously so amazing.
    you girls touch my soul. :)

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  7. oh dear, you are such a wonderful soul. my heart broke reading this post only because i can relate so well. time is rough, but everything happens in Gods timing and it always ends up better than we could have ever dreamed. truly it does. you will be okay, i promise. sending you a big hug and keeping you in my prayers. love you! xx

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  8. gosh. thank you so much krissie. you have blessed me so much! it means a lot to me that you would pray for me! love you! and i know it is in His hands. I'm done asking Him for signs...I need to grow up and just trust Him.
    and you are so right about His timing being better than ours. thank you so much krissi.

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  9. You have such a beautiful and lovely heart. You touch so many people with your words, and it really shows. I know I may not know you well, but I think you're beautiful just the way you are. And like the other bloggers here, I can say that I have experienced one time or another what you're going through. Things will be okay, just wait and see. :)

    Big, big hug,
    and lots of love.

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  10. I stumbled across your blog a few minutes ago, hastly scrolling through the pictures. I hardly ever write comments but somehow, I feel that I could have written this post.

    The part about transforming your body to meet your soulmate...I feel the exact same way. I use my body as an excuse to cover my fears.

    I also think of people that I haven't met yet and wonder if I've made an impact on anyone.

    Thanks for writing this, I really connected.

    Be well,

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