February 27, 2010
deep in thought
Lately I have been staring at the trees outside my window and just letting my mind take me away. I have to fight a bloody and breathless fight to get her back to earth and back to where I really am. Sometimes I cry a lot for people that I know don't exist yet and for the things that I know I will have someday but I won't be satisfied with. I get gut feelings, I get moody, I get bursts of joy and I get crafty. I think about all the people that have seen my face; all the people that have come in and out of my life like trains zooming by.
I can't help but wonder if they think my soul or my face is beautiful first. I wonder if I've really touched someone or left someone wondering about me in turn. I want a perfect body and I don't think I"ll meet my soul mate until I transform; I know thats a very sad thought but I know its true. I can't count how many times men could easily spend the rest of their lives with me but cower in response to my body. I cry for the things I know I will never have and I find myself clinging to dreams, hopes and wishes. Like I always have. Nothing is real to me unless I take a photograph or jot it down. I savor ever smell, emotion and breath of life I get.
I savor everything and I make reels of film in my heart that I watch all the time. My lonelyess comes in waves...sometimes violent and sometimes quiet. God has given me a tremendous romantic and sensitive heart. Where to use it? How? He has given me such strong desires to get married but no motivation to transform. I have my career set at 20 years old, I've found a home and yet I feel restless, why? Why do I feel like I need to be doing something different? Time is so rough on me. She doesn't stop for those tears that she causes.